At 21, this is what I want in my life:

1. To be surrounded by music, all the time and everywhere I go, whether its blasting from a radio, my phone or my head.
2. To discover art in the most unexpected places. 
3. To laugh at dry humor, awkward situations and embarrassing moments
4. To be embarrassed and not give a flying fuck.
5. To read great literature every time I take a seat
6. To constantly fall in love with food, both new and old discoveries.
7. To take pictures with people whose company I enjoy
8. To spend time with people whose company is only enjoyable if you take the time to get to know them.
9. To get lost in amazement with strangers who are so passionate about their lives and what they strive to do
10. To wake up every morning excited about the possibility of an adventure on an unplanned day
11. To be continued on with the positive actions I hope to enable in people's lives who are less fortunate mentally or physically.

Getting on xanga is like greeting an old friend with no preconceived notions, something that isn't so common nowadays. A headstrong, independent woman once told me that in order to be successful at what you do, you must separate your emotions from your work; work needs to be done and emotion meddles with the productivity of it. So I guess, I'll lay it all out here so I can finally get some work done. But I don't really know where to start.

I need someone to talk to. I need someone who would genuinely listen and hear me out, and so far, it looks like xanga is the only one open for business on this blue Sunday night. I'm jealous of other girls who have managed to keep their old friendships so rich and shiny in their current life because I managed to screw mine up to the point of nonexistence. There's this 'dream' I keep chasing, this dream of graduation three years from now with piece of paper worth a little over half of what my house is worth. During that chase, I just managed to fuck my friendships up and here I go, venting to a forgotten blogging site instead of people. The two people that I never thought would exit from my life are people who I don't even talk to anymore. One of them, its better off this way but the other, I don't know what happened, but I'm guessing its my own fuck ups that caused it. They all moved on and I'm still kind of just here.

I just want to say that I'm sorry and that I thought it would just be back to normal but its a different time. So much miscommunications, so much misunderstandings, I didn't mean for it to rub off on you the wrong way and to the point where we are strangers. I'm just sorry, I can't carry this heavy feeling. As much as I would like to talk to you, I know its pointless and wouldn't change a thing. I'm sorry Aimee.

I'm afraid of being a failure once again, who knew the nursing program would kick my ass this much? I hate it but I like it. But its a pain in the ass. Who gave my parents this notion that I can do anything and everything? Who told them that I was smart and could get through nursing school? They seemed so set on that idea that I didn't get the memo. It sucks, its hard, I'm quite miserable yet I still want to push on and pass this stinking semester. Its lovely how my parents got recharged when my brother came home. Its lovely how concerned they are with my brother's interest conflicting with his job in the military, "I don't think he likes that, he's more into this." Where was this concern when I was applying for college, not knowing how the hell I was going to pay for it or going through the stress of the transition myself. How come my dad would gladly spend hundreds of dollars to visit my brother but not $50 to go to my freshmen college orientation with me? I was by myself the whole day, not knowing anyone, desperately hoping that those white girls would look down and see this brown little hybrid of what looks like an asian but not really. I have so much grudge about all of this and the best part? I can't talk to my dad or my mom about it without looking like I'm complaining too much or that I'm being selfish, because my look at my poor brother in the middle of buttfuck nowhere New Mexico. Maybe when I graduate, my dad will buy a fuckin frame to hang my fucking picture next to my brother's military pictures and his damn diploma. I understand, I know its hard being away from family because I miss my brother a lot all the time, but what is that fuckery all about?

Why is this affecting me so much anyway. Its all so stupid, that's why its better to keep all this bottled up, nobody likes to hear about other peoples' lows. Everyone just wants to drink till their liver is fucked up and act like there's no tomorrow. I'm just so bitter right now, I can't believe I'm laying this all out here.

I dyed my hair this brown/red color, it looks fantastic under the sunlight! But otherwise, it looks like the natural black hair I have. Its different, I'll take a picture of it when I get the desire to do so.

I busted out my econ notes and book to brush up. I took it with a Republican prof who, surprisingly, made a lot of sense and made it so much easier to learn everything. Its been crazy how deeply the stocks have gone down and how much it has affected everyone in the world. Brace yourselves everyone, its gonna be one hell of a year.

Anyway, I have been at New Mexico visiting my brother with my family. I really miss having my brother around. More on this subject later. 

I wish my job at tapex would start already, I really need the money. Ah, Hi, my name is Ria and I am a broke college student.

At least xanga has privacy options. Anyway.

My brother comes home in two weeks, I'm really excited to hang out with him! Now, don't get me wrong, I know I have made it clear that I love my brother but it bums me out that my parents rarely listen to me. I feel like they aren't as proud of me and what I have done as they are of my brother, who is about to finish his job training for the USAF. I feel selfish for feeling this way. Its bad enough that my dad rubs it in my face about how he's gonna smother my brother when he's home. Its bad enough that the framed pictures of my brother all over the house isn't enough, my mom wants an enlarged picture of him to display too. It really bums me out.

There's this story in the bible that really intrigued me when I first heard it a year ago. It is the story of the two brothers and their father. The younger brother takes his inheritance, leaves the farm and parties till he came home ready to change his ways. The older brother has always stuck around, doing everything that their father wanted. When the younger brother came home, the father was so happy that he threw a feast. In a sense, he showed more enthusiasm for the son who went off the path rather than the son who stayed on the path. I don't understand the moral. All I can get from it is the feeling of jealousy and anger that the older son felt because he wasn't celebrated for being what he was supposed to be.

I just don't get it. Do I also have to party and mess up to have the same attention and pride that my brother gets from my parents?

I remember when i showed them my letter of acceptance to the nursing program, they didn't say anything. They didn't give me a hug or offered to take me out or anything. All they asked was, so how much are we paying next semester? Shoot me. I didn't want to be a nurse. I didn't want to be a little photographer. But I did it because I didn't want to disappoint them. i didn't want to hear that endless lecture about how I should've done all those things. But maybe its better to have heard lectures after lectures than being ignored.

I don't feel like I'm good enough. Its such a hard feeling to shake off.

Since college started, I have lost grasp of who i am because i'm tripping over my own feet trying to please them. If i was to switch majors, I don't even know what it would be to. Its such an awful place to be.

I wonder if my parents realized that I'm the farthest thing from a "Problem Child." Seriously, me? The goody two shoe who goes to school, studies in the library and works for her own gas and book money? I've been getting in so much trouble this whole winter break, actually, just in the past weekend. I don't mean to peacock, but I bet there'd be loads of parents out there willing to have me as a daughter in exchange for their kid.

Also, I told myself I wouldn't get into a long distance relationship, but I did and it really sucks at times because I feel like that's the best that I could get with perimeter. Guh. Regardless, he's the best boyfriend ever who surprises me, who loves to eat with me, who IS NOT a prissy princess of a boy who makes too many excuses about life. He's caring, snazzy, compassionate, dope, understanding, funny, social and everything I never thought I would ever want. There was once a pest who told me I was too picky with boys and that I would never get a boyfriend because I never gave anyone the chance---well I don't think knowing what I want is a flaw, but if it is, it led me to someone incredible.

Naked Juice: Green Machine = favorite!